We Were Rats

It came to be that the aliens made their presence on the earth known and this united the peoples of the earth. All nations came together to secure the destruction of the aliens, historians would remark, in a rare display of insight, that humanity could always be brought together when the destruction of a common enemy was required, peace was a divisional experience.

For the most part during the period of captivity it was as if we earthlings could do nothing, they did not really seem to fear us, nor want to hurt us. We were playing against giants perhaps against someone more incredible, perhaps the creators of destiny, those that hid behind the mask of god, and as they held us in part captive by their menace and in part captive by our fears and those given to us by our leaders, they did not seem to have a plan for us. We were merely there for the taking, what else could they do? Nothing! we were insignificant in the aspect of things, we had no offerings that exceeded theirs. They laughed at us but it was not an evil laugh, it was a laugh of tolerance, of amusement, of cruel indifference.

What were we? Obviously they understood something about the order of the universe that we did not. That understanding gave them the privilege to sequester Abrahms and humanity, same as we sequestered rats, as we tested poison on rabbits, we knew something that the rabbits did not know we had every right to pour overdoses into their stomachs, we knew more about rats the rats knew about themselves, an so we could fracture their skulls and kill them three days later to evaluate the effects of a blow to the head. In this case we were the rats, there was a necessity to our sacrifice that forbade the observance of pain or that of agony. The pain that rats feel is inconsequential when you are measuring against the pain an injured baby and his mother feel. At a global level we were humans, at a universal level were rats, rats! We were rats!

I walked into a shower that was colder than I liked, the neighbor had taken the hot water, a common occurrence but one that I often forgot and often remembered by force. Night I had always been a night person, I lived in the ideal world for a night person, I was loosing my sanity in the ideal world!

The next morning in what could only be the middle, the center, the pivoting point of an eternal night I went to the coffee house requested a beer, an extra stout, never to early for a good stout. The Royal House coffee house was the recognized hangout of writers and wanebe writers. I was in neither category I was thinker, thinkers might write but it was inconsequential if we did, we might motivate a few writers to write our thoughts, we may even change the course of events for an entire civilization but this too was inconsequential, we thought, and thinking thoughts had repercussions, some of this we understood, others we simply pursued for the sake of pursuing them. thoughts and thinkers are questionable in nature to the point of clear annihilation a dangerous enterprise to pursue and so more often than writing or changing the world thinkers like myself were busy destroying other peoples lives. Character assassination is our specialty!

Now you might ask why? Well because only by destroying others, by juggling a few human lives in our heads, by playing head games with a few people at once, and torturing them with paradoxical meanings we keep our minds occupied. An occupation is a must thus healthy individuals avoided us but the world was so full of unhealthy individuals that it was always easy to find someone who’s entire life could be brought in for questioning over a simple cup of coffee. At some point they would to throw their coffee at us but they suspected we were right, having not questioned their own lives they felt we knew something, and of course we did not but that did not prevent a few transmutations, a few deaths, a few lobotomies, and a few tragic melodramas from unfolding before us, all before a cup of Java.

Of course long term friendships are impossible and so we walked through life serving a purpose but living alone because of it and perhaps even suffering because ultimately our own tragedy had to be that we did not feel life, that our feelings had been lost in thought, thoughts that were murderously cold and suicidal. Every time we played another psychological game we were restructuring our own individual images thus making our characters fluid, never in the same place, never in the same color, always learning a new self while walking away from roots, culture, continuity, maturity.

So I was telling you that I was a thinker an you might wonder what a thinker is or what the ultimate definition of a thinker might be an so I shall tell you. A thinker is as closest as you get to being nonexistent, to being a nonentity in the world of matter. A thinker by definition is someone who’s goal is to think every possible thought, who’s objective is to think the unthinkable and not to surrender to the fears or the morals that are attached to ideas. That is all philosophy is an idea cultures develop by attaching to the idea, religion is a good example it is an idea you can know it as a great idea or attach yourself to it as a way of life, thinkers never commit the error of believing that anything is true long enough to be worthy of belief. A thinkers credo is to Believe in something to get through life but never ever to believe that it is true.

Fine lines have never been drawn so well, thinkers pursue thoughts to think them, to explore them to defend them with impunity, every thought is worthy of evidence beyond doubt as to its reality, so a thinker will argue much like a lawyer, my client, thought, is innocent, my client, speaks the truth the jury given the evidence will recognize that and the thinker gives the evidence never believing in he client nor considering the consequences of the thought being believed. Ultimately all the matters in a case like this is that one's point is the one that prevails in reality or deeper yet as the truth. Consequences are inconsequential.

A thinkers goal then is to think every possible thought, to dialectically pursue every thought to every level that exist within the thought an never ever to surrender to fear. That is to never ever be surprised by an idea by an argument, by the mental anguish or consequence of a thought. But a thinker is also never allowed action, if a thinker pursues action he is lost, because action creates circumstances and circumstances creates mandatory choices that have lasting effect so the thinker can never commit, and as thoughts may lead to commitment the thinker must pursue another venue. Ideally the thinker acts without giving to action, he is burning in the sun because he thoughts place he in the sun burning and thoughts can generate feelings and scars that are real but not acquired through reality. I was a thinker!

The events that had transpired had force me to experience incomprehensible things. I ended my contact with my friends, I went into a minimalist thinking mode. I told you that thinkers were failures at action because action is the abortion of thought! But what I intentionally failed to tell you is that I had been violating the principles of thought, and in private, I was whoring my thoughts and all of their wondering by writing every incomprehensible and volatile thought that had crossed through my neuron channels. And in doing so I was transgressing the silent code that forbids the thinker action. It was my intention to have my thoughts explored and read by others but thinkers are not permitted this fancy and that was my sanctimonious action.

I had been wise to keep complete secrecy on this matter, so no-one was really aware that I was performing this act and that was important, very important. You see a thinker is cursed if he shares the intimate nature of his thoughts whether this be conjured in a state of dreams or while awake. My silence on this matter hitherto was complete, so no-one could betray me, no-one possessed the knowledge to do so, I walked with the heavy weight of my secret but I was safe and for being safe, I was permitted immunity. I could think freely, no thought was beyond me though certainly I had not thought every possible thought.

But there are traps everywhere and this trip into another dimension of the cognitive plane had placed me on notice. I knew that underneath it all laid a destiny, a reason for being that could serve a purpose not understood, even a purpose that would benefit others and that I, in silence was in some way sacrificing myself, my time, my mind for the sake of some cause, and this was quiet disturbing.

Disturbing indeed, why should I the thinker be force to live a stoical life style without favor or friend to console my deeper fears; just so that some pork filled mutant could enjoy the revelations of my thoughts without having to think them! this was not my idea of a just agreement, my life thrown on top of bobbed-wire so that others could cross over my dead and mute corpse. Another bottle of Stout please! I said PLEASE!!

My stomach was amplifying my disturbed misery. Melodies from pontificating saxophones begun to curse my ear drums, It was as if I had my ear drum on my finger tips raising it into the hurricane for piercing sounds that went unheard by dogs. I placed my palms over my ears but the penetrating sound did not cease! Destiny Melody, Melodies of destiny. All this time I had been doing what I was expected to do, just like THE MAN had done. Serving a purpose for something that perhaps would not share it with me. I mean rats are beaten to death so that we might know why the boxers speech begins to blur but the rat does not share in the benefits of the findings. How can one say that these rats live acceptable lives?

Resting because of the alcohol my eyelids begun to cave in. Rest you dog! Sleep you rat! There is peace in sleep, calm in nightmares. Devils may possess you in the night but the alcohol will keep you sedated while they rape you, while they use your body to touch the corporal world, skip over its surface through this body that is not attached to anything an therefor can serve as a stone to skip over the corporeal surface, as a channel to and from. Wet your face you dog!!

Night, I was a night person I had a love for sleep and a fear of sleeping. I had a certain susceptibility to spirits and they sensed this and they were never good spirits, I was still waiting for a kind one. Thinkers are tortured, never in warmth, always in the cold, thought is cold, void of emotion or evolution. Did I say evolution? I must be going mad! Telling you so much is to jeopardize my existence but I must tell you of the only pure thought that has ever come to occupy my mind. I as a thinker can not say that I believe in evolution but I can tell you this: The mind though the product of evolution is also the only alternative to evolution!

Now you are living a common life, you do not appreciate the terrible danger of a pure thought, you read this and are only concerned with it’s entertainment value, but I have given a great deal to accomplish that thought, to think it and to hide it has been the dedication of my life’s energies. to reveal it is a great feat and yet to you its just a set of inconsequential words. But I know different because I have had other original thoughts only to find them in books written by dead men, or I find them trivialized in a popular song yet I alone have the deepest understanding of the complications brought forth by verbalized thoughts, I alone!

So it came to me over the beers, over the sleep, because of a cold shower and a bad trip with a friend abroad that destiny had was to use me for the benefit of countless generations, for posterity’s sake; and that it did not care that I had to struggle on a daily basis to pursue incredible thought goals that were useless and priceless to the society I currently inhabited. I had as evidence every great thinker that had been published or recorded by loose lipped historians. So many great works produced by those that had suffered in silence from cell walls, laughed at by their contemporaries, murdered by goons or brought to rest by suicide only to be resurrected through their works, so they could create the chain link that brought humanity together through broken time frames. Yes everyone had the feeling of continuity, the feeling that their lives were worth living because they could relate to the past through a work of art, literature or philosophy, continuity, essential to life, brought into chambers to sleep with the masses. Skin a Camel.

Some how their fees never paid, they sleep in their prisons, stoics of life, crucified to save humanity, forsaken for a greater cause, suffering, believing in the greater while the lesser destroyed them. I was not, no way to be had so cheaply, there was a price to be paid me now! in this life time. I had no dreams of grandeur but I did expect, now, to be paid for my future service to humanity in advanced. The future was a good thing but I had no use for it. Pay now.

So who pays? Destiny of course, it is only in destinies interest to retain the continuity I was that poor bastard that had been retained for the sake of posterity my head would be smashed against thought and not a few philosophers had gone mad being laboratories of thoughts. It was at that moment knowing that destiny must have suspected my writings that I decided to hide my writings from destiny. Now my task was to outsmart destiny which in some ways is an unobtainable goal but to someone pursuing any and all possible thoughts this is not an impossible thought, just an impossible action and it is not unthinkable to imagine thought prevailing.

Suspecting that thought was less that fair in its dealings with humans I decided to hide my writings, it was the only way that I could guarantee the value of my head. If destiny could no locate my work then part of the master plan would go unfinished. There was of course the possibility that destiny had built redundancy into the system. that is, that others were thinking my thoughts, that they could replace me and if five of us were repeating the process destiny could afford four deviants lost. But I suspected, An I do not believe that I was wrong that I was unusually good at my task and that my redundant peers were probably a few years behind me. The question then was, would destiny settle and wait for them, was the advantage of an early developer worth the price? Again, speculation and instant confirmed this, I sensed deeply that my blood curling thoughts were worth immediate attention.

It was possible to imagine destiny having an indefinite amount of time, a couple of years was nothing but if so why did those aliens kidnap what’s his name? why did they not wait? Was Abrahms so special, so vital that they could wait not, that they were running out of time, that my friends and I could be slowing them down? How could Abrahms have been more desirable a specimen than I? Fools I had more to offer them!

Kick! Kick! Destiny remained silent which had to be a positive, the quiet could only indicate that it was not aware of my intentions which only proved my theory of its absence of mind. Maybe destiny had been slammed on the head with a hammer as part of one of those experiments performed on rats. Rest you rats!

A stoned faced protruded from the wall of this sanctuary did I tell you that I was so in loved with the night that I slept with her. Rumor has it that some people like to walk in cemeteries harolding they call it a bunch of sickos as far as I am concerned.

The ice melted. The woman made many matters obvious and some unworthy of thought. I went to meet her, to listen to her delicate fingers gradually abuse the piano keys, I sat mesmerized, trance into an internal dream world, I went into a deep sleep but not sleep as we know it but rather a sleep of pure dreams and from this sleep and those dreams one can only awaken into the nightmare of life! That’s the only real nightmare, waking up, coming through to the world of reality. Her control of the piano keys was sublimated by the music escaping the piano strings as they were asked to make noise by their procrustean bed. As they were forced to do so by her gentle fingers moving levers to cause tension, irritations, and reverberations, music to my ears.

But the music from the piano was the scream of agony begging for the torturer to halt, she applied her finger tips guided by the previous screams and as she played on the piano was begging for her to stop. I was promulgating never! Lets continue with the tension of this dance. We say that consciousness can be raised by agony, this was ecstasy.

Perhaps sensing my pleasure she brought melody to an end with one violent rush over to many piano keys, in too short a time. She turned towards me and smiled with much satisfaction, for sure she was overjoyed to see me so brutally awaken. Like most women she derived more satisfaction from preventing the continuation of her aroused pleasures than from finalizing them. Perhaps women understand how premature cessation at inception can allow something to continue ceaselessly. Women, are in my eyes, afraid of endings.

Her eyes gentle green were incapable of demonstrating her ugliness, she waited for me to say how wonderful it had been. Then walked over to me, kissed me on the forehead and sat by me, close enough to let me know we were best of friends but keeping enough distance to let me know that an abyss separated our souls.

Teams of monsters were lining up on my heart I spoke: Milena this could in many ways destroy all my social attributes I need someone to ground me, I am thinking too much, earlier today I grabbed the handle on the subway not because I was off balanced but because I was grasping for reality. I thought of wearing cowboy boots just to remind myself that things exist outside of me, disagreeable things, disturbing things, things more real than I am. Still a helplessness is clinging to me, I am against an opponent that does not obey the rules that I cant violate.

You are a realist in the most brutal sense of the word perhaps you can help me. Milena was not distressed by me she simply said, I am not sure I can help you but tell me what is wrong? I said, I need you to help me but I cant tell you. Why not? Because my opponent is so powerful that if I were to tell you he might learn of my intentions and I can not take that chance. But I will never betray you to anyone. Its not you it is it. It can trace the movements of thoughts. Then how can I help you? You can perhaps listen to my disconnected thoughts and your comments on them might allow me a glimpse at some resolution to my predicament.

Redrawing the lines of communication Milena attentively listened as I explained my concerns over the inherent femininity of psychology, of my issues with a mind that was ignoring and excommunicating itself from its evolutionary roots, I told her of my friend that was a brilliant and wonderful chef, able to create the most delightful of dishes but yet he himself abhorred food. He told me that food was how the gods kept us from escaping, when they took us prisoners they gave us stomachs. My friend was a compassionate man he made the food taste good.

Then in a moment of incredible personal courage I asked her do you think that destiny knows what is going to happen next? She burst laughing and returned the question do you think that someone that lies knows the truth? I said, one must know the truth in order to lie. No she said one must think or suspect that one knows the truth in order to lie but the lie itself might just as well be a deviation of another lie. You asked me does destiny know what is going to happen next? I tell you destiny does not know because it does not need to know what is a given. Besides knowing may raise consciousness and a destiny aware of conditions and circumstances might become insecure. No destiny is sure footed. I said what then do our actions mean in a world ruled by destiny? They mean something to us and something different to destiny and something more different to another unspotted entity but to each the meaning is particular and really untrue.

But you can you say that the will is individual and destiny is social while at the same time saying that everything, and you said everything is subjective, I quote, "No objectivity, none." If this is so then you are facing a serious contradiction for it is reasonable to assume that the will which is individual would indeed be subjective and destiny which belongs to the social and is social, is then objective since it cares about no one in particular. The objectivity of the social is based on a particular that is it emanates from a bunch of selves, from a lot of individuals let us say from the agglomeration of subjectives, these subjectives acting in unison do create a movement which we can call destiny but this destiny is subjective, it is not by itself pure, it depends on the will of all individuals.

Ha, well and if it does depend on the will of these individuals then destiny is also will and if so then the will is not killed by the social, nor by destiny.

Wrong it is killed by the social and by destiny because once the subjective will congregates it acquires a momentum of its own, a will of its on sort of speak only that a nonentity can not have a will more like auto pilot and that auto pilot is destiny, it moves through space induce by an energy that was initially motivated by will but soon after acquires its own will which caters not to particular individual wills, and it therefor can place demands on the individual which the individual does not wish upon him/her self. Even demands which if executed can destroy the individual or exhausted him or her because destiny does not understand individual limitations and because of that it forces individuals to bind together to accomplish the feat which joins them but reduces them. As this occurs the individuals have no choice but to go with the momentum or they will be destroyed by the movement which is less than one individual but portions of many make it larger than the whole.

The results are the same regardless of the case if I swing the fly swatter and I only hit half of the fly the fly is still dead on impact. I asked her if she really believed in destiny which after the previous answer was a bit redundant. She said, only for conversations in life we are free to choose within the limitations of a physical world but this freedom is greater than the one granted to us after death. In life we feel suffering which is proportional to freedom after death we may not suffer but we obey some cosmic law in line with millions of others and this is harmony of accepting and complaisant magnitudes. We surrender for the good of the whole but the greatest freedom is only in part of that whole. In life we may mutilate one another for the sake of the I.

And if the universe is finite what is not finite is our ignorance, whence the reason why the finite loop of the universe, exceeding many life times causes us to think of infinities. But the universe is definitely finite, and there is something after that but it is not something that we could begin to explore, it would require of us things which we can not require of ourselves and so to me any universe outside of us is pointless and that pointless thing makes this one finite which is because of that more pointless.

It is also arrogant of us to think in the small terms that we do, we have reduced the universe to simple points of departure with eventual ends. We have religion which starts with nothing except God which is at least something to start with, God creates one thing, Adam and then another, Eve and things just start multiplying from there so much so that you can still kill many of the ever reproducing creatures and still they increase in numbers. God of course will bring forth a terrible cataclysm, major death and destruction hell will reign on earth but for a few good souls that get to watch in ecstasy what happens to those that were bad. Evolution starts with the same premise first there was nothing except all of this chemicals that somehow or other came together in such and such way so as to be something and then life thrives but other more successful species might arrive and kill us, probably aliens. Astronomy or Physics has the big bang, first we start with very little of a lot and this very little gets very claustrophobic and so chooses to expand and from this comes everything and the universe is as big as it has had time to expand how much time that is, is anybody’s guess though there are numbers floating around. Of course eventually the expansion will cease, the universe will sort of run out of electricity and accomplished a thermal death which it could have avoided if it had tolerated the friction of being close together. Some scientist think that the universe will not have enough escape velocity to escape itself, this seems reasonable enough and so the universe at some point will get tired of running away and contract, implode sort of and so instead of a cold death with will heat up substantially above our melting point. Geologist no more creative than their peers decided that the earth had one giant continent or two and that at some point the tension was to much and it begun to drift apart from itself thus making many continents. These will of course crush and crash into each other and we get terrible earthquakes which in turn cause gas pipes to rupture and these in conjunction with electrical sparks cause fires that cause more death and eventually we will have a super earthquake which will cause a tsunami which is a big wave so that we well be cornered from all sides. You see a relationship here everything has a nice simple beginning it gets briefly complicated and then the end brings closure. Of course to come up with very different ideas and solutions to what really makes one spiritual or/and evolutionary or why the physical universe behaves the way that it does would have been terribly complicated. Even so it is very possible that not only we are wrong but also very much so and since most if not all of the predictions have cataclysmic ends perhaps being wrong wont be so bad.