Of My Death

...and as the curtain draws so near me, I come to tell you of my life, the life I know but for its final fatal secret.
I come to rest, to close my eyes one final time,
To find that end that long I've waited for, that was so near and in the end so far.

What fear? What abyss?
What danger lurks out there can not my dear be worse than life!
...unless my friend what awaits me there upon my death be a creator. Why should I that dies see the maker, when it is he that I have hated!

Oh! But what a life, so full, so empty,
So much to know and nothing of it that was true, for truth eluded us all which made us settle for reality!

Now I come to this my death, I see tears from so many I did not know, from others I did not care, from none that I have loved, if Love I could what rest may they find in my corpse, may it be sweet and short for me!

...I continue this carnage, this life, this vortex that dives into eternal realms, that drowns so many poets.
I persist. Purity persist.
I die a death while in a corner in a joint some drunkard repeats agony in conception, digging deep into his mate!

I pull my chord from the universal web but life can not undo itself. I am a slave.
A slave of time, of matter, of energy, but I will not release a song for this eternal knot that won't undo itself the Gordian way.

Mortal, eternal, break the bones of all the dead! The weight of Life rest on the sea, where from a far the moon draws near, in one moment one passion, Melody! After the search we lost what we had found.

The rest is quick! The eruption of my brain, that burst forth to destroy an endless mind loop, cursed through the bloody bastards that I saw!
I rest! I sleep! They suffer agony! I dream, they scream!
What lives they've lived prisoners of destiny, of culture, of being,
...while I escape in quiet solitude.
Serenity, shadows, dearness, welcome to my new death!!!


Of My Death, the name on the epitaph was mine. I could have, I supposed at that point, vented all of my anger at the number of personal violations that I felt Adriana was pursuing, she just kept on throwing details at me that were personal and to which I had no defense now she had made me read an epitaph that was apparently from my grave, and aside from the fact that the epitaph portrayed a very horrific life what bother me the most was the fact that it hinted at my mortality that it was the clearest sign of my eventual death, that at some point this consciousness of mine would perish. Adriana's inner sensitivity which was not something that seemed created but rather something genuine to her true Alien nature noticed my cognitive dissidence an thought to calm me. “Maybe you are trying to hard, maybe you are seeking something that does not even know that it is being pursued, perhaps you should marry and right unpublishable poetry and that will give you an excuse for all the drinking you do.” “But Adriana there is something there I feel it everyday, my inner feelings may not cause me to react appropriately but they are not wrong about what they feel.” “You are right they are not wrong, they are definitely not wrong but the man in that grave is dead and you are trying to resurrect something that is dead, individuality is dead and the will belonged to individuality. The only thing that exist now is mass movements and those are manifested as destiny because they are generated by externals. Will, is an individual quality, in massive social structures the will is supplanted by destiny!” I silently uttered to myself, “Will and Destiny, same opposites only one can be real.” My eyes no longer avoided hers, she was saying things I needed to hear, and if she was trying to seduce me she was succeeding. My mind fixed that thought “individuality and will, social and destiny,” and if this was so then my attacker destiny was my human neighbor. I begun to care less what type of ambulatory structure made her appear human. “You are trying to resurrect the dead and the resurrected are monsters feared by the living. You want this thing that is dead to live in the world of the living, of life, that is not possible without some considerable tragedy.” “But why is this individuality dead?” “Because the future does not require it, because life is a phenomenon that moves in ways that are not predetermined by the past, but rather by a future which can only be at conflict with a past, and you fell in love with individuality, with the will. But social destiny is what lives and rules today, there is nothing you can do to change that, your acts to endure and to demand attention will only lead to self destruction, you will only confirm what is obvious, you are dead.”

”Trembling and pointing my finger at her, “Oh you say that, you say that but you want to have sex with me and there are probably plenty of your own kind that want to be in bed with you, for I am sure that beauty translates well and you could not possibly be this beautiful as a human if your alien self was not also beautiful. So maybe you want to have my children maybe you want more of me and if so you are trying to mate with the dead and that is to resuscitate the dead so why, tell me why?” Adriana, with a bit of tolerance and seeming to be controlling a yawn, “You are a poet I sometimes forget, haven't you ever just let go? Haven't you just wanted to do something because you felt like doing it instead of trying to control it, to will it, to add your own idiotic mixture of individuality that is now only arresting the possibility of two very different people from very different moments and points in the universe to feel each-other in ways that so few may ever feel?” She had a valid point always trying to be so original and yet here was the possibility before me of committing an almost original act, for I doubted that crossbreeding was common practice in the universe, and my own absurd wonderings were inhibiting and preventing me from seeing what was really before me.

“I hope you don’t mind but I have to ask is there a chance that our mating will produce some kind of child?” “Indeed so that is part of the reason why am here.” “You are crazy, you and your kind are crazy, you know bloody well that I do not want to reproduce that I have shrived and even killed to contain my originality so as to win my fight with destiny, and now you act like if you care when indeed what you are trying to do is reduce me into some kind of experiment for the sake of cosmic reproduction.” Adriana was not moved by my hysterics and her ability to retain control of the situation did not endear her to my heart. She placed her drink on the table pulled out a cigarette and lit it carefully while passionately inhaling through it, then slowly releasing the smoke, gently projecting it into the air as if releasing stress, or evil, or maybe just saying to herself this is just a job I just have to be with this human for a few more hours then I can go home but in the mean time I need to remember this is how I pay the rent.

“Romantics never take well to honesty I might have known that you talk of truth but the truth is to naked for you, it is true that I am here as part of a procedure that is being coordinated by our scientific group, and that inevitably the objective is to reproduce a child and that Abrahms is a part of all that, but it was my decision to mate with you, as you may already suspect we do share some ideas and feelings and this is not reduced in value by the fact that it is an experiment. You an I have something special and if something special can have other values I would try if I were you not to judge that too harshly. You have always avoided having children not because of some great social agenda nor because you are concerned with the well being of the unborn, but instead you are afraid, that the woman that would have your children would cease to need you, you still hold that primitive view that women only need man to have child and after that they are done with you, but that is only true if the love that you inspire in a woman is motherly love, if instead you were to inspire the love of a wife a child can never steal that from you. You can idealize your conflicts into grand social schemes or tragic endeavors but maybe you just want to be loved.”

For me to argue with her was foolish, it was inevitable that we were about to make love so I wrapped my arms around her waist feeling her body with my hands and I gently kissed her neck, and as I did this, I was not thinking of contraceptives, no, I was going to enjoy her, to feel her completely; later I would concern my self with destroying any offspring's from this encounter. I could not help but wonder if this was why weapons in general were originally developed, just a mad male lovers attempt at killing his own children.

As my hands caressed her body they intensified their feel so as to ensure that I was feeling a woman, a human, someone that was not in some way or other going to devour me although that would a been woman like. Adriana played her role extremely well, the sensitivity, the breathing, her exuding body odor, her lips moist and tender, passionately we pressed against each-other and each movement was a dance, a ritual dance that had been committed in so many ways, making for an endless night. An endless ritual a few billion years old containing within, the secret formula for reproducing life.

I gently pushed Adriana against the table, she arched her back resisting only enough to give me the sense of being in control, her hands grabbing, pulling my hair while my lips kissed and bit hers, I bit her here and there, I kissed her ear lobes, our tongues fought in each-others mouths, I tasted her sweet senses, we dragged each-other closer and closer with perspiration, respiration, inspiration. Slowly I begun to unbutton her shirt but before being half way done I reached for her belt and undid its knot, removing it in one purple movement.

Inside of my body impatience was brewing relentlessly, my soul wanted to get at her immediately, to tickle her heart with kisses, to make the moment last spanking her heart, portions of me were following prudence but haste was dominant, I made incessant and deliberate approximations, we passionately embraced many times while many others we gently stared at each-other and spoke silent I love yous.

Her tongue requesting from me every pleasure, she wanted to please me, I just grabbed her hands and squeezed them as hard as I could, she understood my every sensitivity, she voraciously touched every inch of me and made me enter cyclical ecstasy, where I, never thought it would cease increasing with pleasure. Sitting on top of me, spanking my heart, she wrapped her arms around my neck and we made circular body motions, lubricating our movements with sweat, and smelling our way through the sheets, and the night, that endless night of tickling souls.

Her moist underwear fell victim to my teeth my impatient hands ripped off the rest to the side and I begun to suck kiss her flesh, her legs, and my tongue tasted every movement, and the moments, and my face hid and moved within her, and I passionately lost myself and tasted, and felt her. Hands running through my back caressing my flesh with wondrous effect, I pressing myself even closer to her, and closer still and it was never enough, I desired to be all within her. Progression through wonderful fragrances, I kissed her precious belly button and licked, bit and kissed her breast, as I felt her inner-self and she felt mine, and we were keeping some rhythm, moving through it, moving into and through each-other. My hands grabbed her and forced her into me, and she held me tight gripping every part of me that she could grab, and we stared into each-others eyes, enjoying this more than we ever thought and pursuing it with more intent and more...

Every moment considerate of the other, every movement complete within each-other indifferent of the previous; we touched gently over the wounds that each-others souls possessed, and so as we were making love we were also comforting agonies, and eliminating a loneliness which is only felt when one at last finds one’s true companion.

The night never ceased, we were semi-awake all night between dreams and passions, kisses would awaken us and put us back to sleep, dream ropes holding us together. But I must now tell you that that is not at all what actually happened, Adriana woke me up from that dream and requested that I follow her and what follows is what took place after much mental deconstruction.

Adriana really grabbed me and pushed me against the wall I felt trapped, I felt cornered and helpless she pressed her lips against mine and embraced me passionately and told me “I am going to make love to you”, that was the sign that I would surrender. She bruskely separated from our kiss and guided me by the hand through a long hallway. I followed in a trance and all was quiet well up to that moment, for the hallway suddenly lit up with a flash of deep purple light, more purple light and more purple light, and I begun to feel things, I begun to feel things happening inside of my body, and as these things were happening I felt severe discomfort. Adriana, with a solid grip in place still held my hand, guiding me, and I felt I would faint if it wasn't because some how she was sustaining me. Pains begun to crawl more and more in my abdominal region, I begun to also feel severe cramps but I continued to walk almost as if I knew what was happening, but also as if it was in my interest not to know; Adriana just kept on marching forward, holding my hand, and though it felt that she wanted to look at me it also felt like she knew she ought not, for perhaps she might take pity of my situation and it wasn't in either of our interest for that to occur.

The purple light took no pity either, it just continued to intensify, and I felt it penetrating as if it were raping my innards, and the more it penetrated the worse my pain would intensify. I felt a giant transmutation taking place and as I allowed myself to feel it for I had no choice, I felt something tearing aside inside of my guts, and moving space, and making space, and taking space. Adriana kept on moving forward at a faster pace, it seemed as if she wanted to cry but wanted more to be strong, oh such a very long, long purple hallway and my guts were reaping apart, perhaps I was passing gal stones, pain I gasped, I begun to make noises as if I were having a child, gasping, growling perspiration furiously running through every sweat gland my flesh could call to arms, aaaaah! Give me something for severe indigestion, save me, save me, kill this god damn pain!

Adriana maintained, I felt more pain but I was also becoming used to it, and the more used to it I became the less the purple light intensified, dimmer, then it went off. The now dark hallway ended and we came into a room that looked like a cramped steam engine warehouse. As soon as Adriana released my hand I collapsed, and my arms wrapped themselves around my stomach and that's when the shock set in. Inside I felt ovaries, eggs, fallopian tubes; on the floor tears lined severe mental and emotional contortions, while pain displaced throughout my face, and then my hands, which had avoided my genitals, reached to feel my penis gone! Screeeeeeam, petrified horror, my eyes reaching deep and up into my frontal lobe, in terror, attempting to see Adriana, and my hands begun to reach, explore and search, pass the labia, inside of my vagina searching for the penis that it had swallowed, searching, in vain I kept on, furiously searching till moist blood flooded my proving hands. I cried, covered my face with my own blood, recognizing that only women bleed and tolerate pain like that.

I wanted to faint, to pass out, not to die, I knew I could now tolerate extremes and passing out would give me sometime to deliver myself from this swamp which would soon be full of snakes. But passing out was not an option here, I was in severe pain and my innards had gone through a transmutation of fatal proportions, I was now woman but the rest of my anatomical structure had remained the same, only my genital area had gone through the metamorphosis. I was, now, a castrated seducer.

Drenched in blood and anger, perspiration running like a mad lubricant throughout my body, beautiful Adriana walked over to me and pushed me against the cold metallic rack that pierced my back and sent shivers down my sweaty spine. She forced her tongue into my mouth and I tasted my blood which was still covering much of my body, and we embraced; I felt her nails digging into my flesh and then I felt her penis penetrating me, but I wasn't ready, I was not releasing love juices, I was frigid, I was tight, and she persisted in penetrating me and I said “no you are hurting me”, yet she violently insisted, and not knowing how this aberration could turn her on like that, could make her want to rape me so, for that is what she was doing I felt intense hatred, and so I held her tighter still, closer to my heart, and as she went inside of me, and pulled out only to stab me again with that huge penis of hers, the brutality of it all made me profusely weep and scream, and I think she misunderstood my screams for cries of pleasure and so these only served to encourage her more, which only degraded me more, and still I could do nothing except accept the abuse.

Throughout Adriana maintained a kind of silence which made her maintain some form of self respect, respect which all of my noises and crying were stealing from me, and then she came inside of me. And I felt this warm flood of snakes pursuing life inside of me, instinctively invading my every inner sanctum and I grabbed her and grabbed her close to me but her penis withdrew, and as it did so did she; she pulled away from me and having felt no other warmth near me, robbed of my virginity, I wanted to hold my rapist, I wanted to be comforted by my abuser, and still she pulled away from me and this was, to me, even more cruel than the rape.

I laid against the steel rails feeling things inside of myself that were not of me, and I knew that they would also somehow realize this and at some point want to get out from me, but maybe, only after they had somehow become a part of me and then they would take of me something with them which would tear me apart. I prepared to feel a parasite feeding of off me, to nourish it, to hate it and to fall in love with it, and someday to see it go away to another part of the universe to be somewhere where I could not be, and perhaps I would be there because it was there; I contemplated how much of a parasite is the host, and I was deliriously praying not very much but I knew better.

Knowing of the coming separation made me crave security and warmth, it made me want to create a safe universe for that part of me that would not really think itself a part of me. Adriana had no way of feeling what I felt, she had just satisfied her desires to have sex with an alien, she had fucked others, and would fuck even more, that was what she was trained to do. But still I wondered how all that brutality of strength could be seduced to create some form of security.

Broken, with sweat, saliva and blood claiming much of my flesh, I wanted to rest but Adriana grabbed my hand and told me that it was time to go back through the long purple hallway. I lifted myself with my feminine strength and followed cruelty into the, the very dreadful hallway. Adriana walked less rapidly, she seemed a bit morally confused, I wondered if perhaps she had considered me some what special, if there was something between us that the others had not given her and perhaps could not give her, if perhaps I had touched her emptiness, which she thought to fill and feel by raping me, if perhaps I had absolved her of some of her responsibilities and burdens, if only perhaps I had comforted the terrible emptiness that was her soul, perhaps.

The deep purple violet light did its thing again, it danced through my body as if I were a subterfuge for its centrifugal forces, forces which in violet are less pleasant than they could be in blue. My metamorphosis back into the masculine was less painful perhaps because some of my sensitivity was actually being removed, perhaps because I, to be male had to be less a part of it all, and so the reduction process might be less painful, or perhaps because going through it as a woman I was a tougher sailor for the storm.

Once on the other side I touched and felt my testicles, and felt that lightning rod, felt that pendulous penis, that thing which so closely identified itself with my personality and some how I was less satisfied, somehow I felt I had lost both ways and more in this one. A clitorectemy was performed, I would never be able to suffer multiple orgasms, void of a clitoris, vulva sewn shut, I would not be able to allow the world inside of me. Now, as a male, I would have to be externally violent to feel my sensitivities. Adriana gave me a drink which was very much needed, and we both stared through emptiness knowing that we had done what we had to do, but I was also wondering if she had gone through a transformation as well, or if she had remained herself through and through.

I don't know how or at what time but I was returned to my room, waking up I was laying on my stomach, confused and suffering from severe pains in my abdominal region, pains that kept on telling me that I had been through a lot, and I agreed and stopped myself from trying to get up. Colette and Amygdala were having a conversation while occasionally starring at me, like school girls stare at a wanted boy, but it was more fair to conclude that they were probably wandering if I was now one of the Erehwonians, perhaps a turncoat of sorts, and never to be trusted. Parts of me wanted to let them know that I was still me, and I also wanted to say that I now understood them as women a little better, but I refrained from doing so because it was the wise thing to do.

Later in the day as we were having some lunch, Adriana walked into the dining area and first gave Amygdala and Colette a warm greeting, she delayed looking at me much as a superior makes it a point to ignore underlings as an accentuation of power. But when she did look into my eyes it was one of those confident stares, void of much passion and full of playfulness, clearly stating “I fucked you last night,” which indeed she had, but more she had raped me and I now conclude that I was not traumatized by it because I sincerely believed, then and now, that rape is merely a compressed relationship.

As we conversed away from the others I asked her “How many men's hearts have you broken?” She smiled in a whimsical manner while leaning back, almost as if balancing herself on a sphere the size of the earth, and responding, “None, yours will be the first”. Her smile was so gentle that I was not able to muster enough anger to respond; besides I knew that some times to keep a loved one, one has to mortally wound them; perhaps in the end love is nothing more than allowing another to chisel away at our heart, and so perhaps at last she wanted me. She continued, “Did you sleep well last night?” I thought oh, so she wants to play me; “Well, I slept well except for a minor nightmare in which I faced a ferocious Tiger that was ready to pounce on me as I was attempting to pee into this Tiger’s eye”.